First Father's Day after loss

There is no right way to spend the first Father's Day after losing a father. Anyone who tells you otherwise has not lived it. What we have learned from the families we have served — many of whom write to us months and years later — is that the day is rarely as bad as the days leading up to it.

The anticipation is often the hardest part. The day itself, in most families' experience, becomes a place to put grief. Visit the cemetery if it helps. Stay home if it helps. Cook something he liked. Write him a letter you do not send. Look at photographs you have been avoiding.

If you have children, let them lead. A four-year-old who knew their grandfather only briefly will mark the day differently than a twelve-year-old who knew him as a regular presence. There is no script for either. There is only the willingness to be present with what comes up.

For those who have lost a child rather than a father — Father's Day asks more of you than it does of others. We are sorry. There is no version of this that does not hurt.